I LOVED YOU FIRST « phoebemadness

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I LOVED YOU FIRST

January 15, 2008

I am depressed because I am doing nothing that would catch my interest. Thus, I smell the scent of eerieness. I feel very weary because of thinking of a lot of things. I really don’t know if I am doing the right thing – if following my heart would cause a lifetime agony or if following my mind would cause total brain damage.

I can’t tell anyone what I feel because even my own soul cannot describe the pain and joy it succumbed to. I would like to tell the world of how much sacrifices I made but no one would listen… no one would believe.

How could I, a mere mortal seeking for true love, be vanquished by depression? It’s through a powerful individual who was given the tongue of lies and hoax. It’s through a vengeful soul that seeks gratitude and exhortation. But I am an empty vessel, I know no gratitude nor exhortation. I know not the ways of a true woman.

He taught me a lot of things and I should say, I learned a lot. I was a stupid young girl who did not even know how to spell my name, but he was there to patiently teach me how to hold a pen. Though, until now, the proper way to show my appreciation to the one who teaches is unknown to me. I cannot please him and I think I never will.

Sweet Lord, I love him! If only he would know how much I love him. I know I acted foolishly and I should be punished. But, is this suffering not enough? I never claimed to be innocent of the crimes I committed, and yes, I was defensive. I am insensitive of his needs… because I don’t know what is true anymore. I was cherished amongst lies and deceit.

My heart cries with so much angst and sorrow and love and compassion. I need not to know of all of the things you are doing, I just need to know how you feel while doing those that calm you at night and ruin your day. I seek not of pity, I abhor such; I seek of justice… of what is due to me.

Clasp my hands as if you intend to go nowhere, and let me find what I am bound to look for. Answer my queries, oh sweet darling! And please, oh please, say no when I expect you to.

I loved you first…

- Blog ni Inday para kay Hayden nung hiniwalayan siya nito dahil kay Vicky.

Posted by phoebemadness at 3:44 am | permalink

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