Adult Jokes

Fine. If you think that boys are the only ones looking for adult stuff, think again. Or say that I am masculine. Or whatever. I was looking for hentai games because work is boring. Be sure to turn your pop-up blockers on. Thanks to the ADULTS.

PERFECT DAY

The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

FIRST TIME

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

CODE WORDS

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".

"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

WEAK AND FAINT

"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."

"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."

STUPID HUSBAND

A man came home to find his wife in bed with his friend,

"See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."

BEAUTIFUL REDHEAD

A young man got onto a bus and took a seat beside a most beautiful redhead.

"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."

LAST NIGHT

Ivon looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.

"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.

NEW BRA

Dave watched his flat chested wife try on her new bra.

"I don't complain when you buy underpants she replied.

AT THE ZOO

Little Johnnie was at the zoo with his Mum and Dad. He had never seen an elephant before.

"Mum said it's nothing."

"Yes, but your mother's been spoiled."

FEMALE GORILLA

The female gorilla at the local zoo had become irritable and moody. She was examined by a veterinarian.

1. I don't have to kiss her.
2. If there's a baby, I won't have to pay support.
3. You'll have to give me a couple of weeks to raise the $10,000."

SANTA CLAUS

LYN: "If you could sleep with any man, who would it be?"

CHERYL: "Yes, but he fills your stocking."

BLEW A SEAL

An eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down. He got off, and noticed a gas station nearby. He went over, got the mechanic and brought him over to the machine. The mechanic bent down, fiddled with the motor, looked back up and said to the eskimo," I think you just blew a seal."

"No," said the eskimo, "that's just frost on my moustache."

GOD AND ADAM

God spoke to Adam. "Adam I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will give you two organs to give you great power and pleasure. I will give you a brain to enable you to think and to control the world. And I will give you a penis to give great pleasure in lovemaking."

"You only have enough blood to work one at a time."  

NIPPLES

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?

It's Braille for "suck here"

HURRICANES

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they came they're wild and wet, but when the go they take your house and car.

CONDOM SALE

A condom saleswoman was stranded in the countryside and had to put up the night with a farmer and his two hilly-billy sons.

Weeks passed and then one brother spoke to the other: "It has been some time now that she's gone and I don't think she'll ever get pregnant. Let's take these damn things off."

LADIES' ROOM

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door.

The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

GOOD NEWS

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."

ANXIETY AND PANIC

What's the difference between anxiety and panic?

- panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.

FOREIGN LEGION

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
"And on the third day…" he began.

"And on the third day," the private continues "she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom…"