Fine. If you think that boys are the only ones looking for adult stuff, think again. Or say that I am masculine. Or whatever. I was looking for hentai games because work is boring. Be sure to turn your pop-up blockers on. Thanks to the ADULTS.
PERFECT DAY
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
FIRST TIME
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"
The bartender congratulates him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house."
The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
CODE WORDS
The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."
WEAK AND FAINT
"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."
STUPID HUSBAND
A man came home to find his wife in bed with his friend,
"What's going on here?" demanded the husband.
"See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."
BEAUTIFUL REDHEAD
A young man got onto a bus and took a seat beside a most beautiful redhead.
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
LAST NIGHT
Ivon looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.
"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realised it was my wife that I'd given the $20 to."
"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.
"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.
NEW BRA
Dave watched his flat chested wife try on her new bra.
"What do you want a bra for? You've got nothing to put in them", he smirked.
"I don't complain when you buy underpants she replied.
AT THE ZOO
Little Johnnie was at the zoo with his Mum and Dad. He had never seen an elephant before.
"What's that thing hanging between it's front legs, mum?"
"That's it's trunk."
"And what's that thing hanging between his back legs?'
Embarrassed Mum said, "That's nothing."
Johnnie wasn't happy with this answer and asked his father for confirmation.
"What's that thing hanging between his back legs, Dad?"
"That's his penis", said Dad.
"Mum said it's nothing."
"Yes, but your mother's been spoiled."
FEMALE GORILLA
The female gorilla at the local zoo had become irritable and moody. She was examined by a veterinarian.
"She's in season,and needs a mate." he said.
The zoo manager decided to advertise to get someone to have sex with his gorilla and placed an ad in the newspaper.
"Wanted. A male to have sex with a female gorilla - $10,000."
Next day, Pady showed up at the zoo.
"I'll make love to the gorilla on three conditions", he said.
1. I don't have to kiss her.
2. If there's a baby, I won't have to pay support.
3. You'll have to give me a couple of weeks to raise the $10,000."
SANTA CLAUS
LYN: "If you could sleep with any man, who would it be?"
CHERYL: "I'd sleep with Santa Claus."
LYN: "Santa Claus? He only comes once a year!"
CHERYL: "Yes, but he fills your stocking."
BLEW A SEAL
An eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down. He got off, and noticed a gas station nearby. He went over, got the mechanic and brought him over to the machine. The mechanic bent down, fiddled with the motor, looked back up and said to the eskimo," I think you just blew a seal."
"No," said the eskimo, "that's just frost on my moustache."
GOD AND ADAM
God spoke to Adam. "Adam I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will give you two organs to give you great power and pleasure. I will give you a brain to enable you to think and to control the world. And I will give you a penis to give great pleasure in lovemaking."
"Sounds great God!" said Adam. "But what's the bad news?"
"You only have enough blood to work one at a time."
NIPPLES
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?
It's Braille for "suck here"
HURRICANES
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they came they're wild and wet, but when the go they take your house and car.
CONDOM SALE
A condom saleswoman was stranded in the countryside and had to put up the night with a farmer and his two hilly-billy sons.
In the middle of the night, she crept into the room where the two brothers were sleeping and woke them up for a bout of passionate love making. She explained that the condoms were to ensure that she did not get pregnant. The next morning she bade them farewell and started off from the farm.
Weeks passed and then one brother spoke to the other: "It has been some time now that she's gone and I don't think she'll ever get pregnant. Let's take these damn things off."
LADIES' ROOM
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can.
"This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
GOOD NEWS
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
ANXIETY AND PANIC
What's the difference between anxiety and panic?
- anxiety is the first time a man can't get it up the second time.
- panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.
FOREIGN LEGION
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
"And on the third day…" he began.
"No! no! start with the first day," Everyone yells out in chorus.
"And on the third day," the private continues "she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom…"
What this country needs is more people to inspire others with confidence, and fewer people to discourage any initiative in the right direction more to get into the thick of things, fewer to sit on the sidelines, merely finding fault more to point out what's right with the world, and fewer to keep harping on what's wrong with it and more who are interested in lighting candles, and fewer who blow them out.
- Father James Keller
This may sound so spam-ish but this really helps me. I created an account at quoteland.com some time last year and I began receiving quotes since. At first, I did not pay attention since it's makulit and all but when I began posting weekly quotes on the office board, I realized that they really are an inspirational tool for every day living. Help yourself.
The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be impoverished. But if you invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
"We are told never to cross a bridge until we come to it, but this world is owned by men who have 'crossed bridges' in their imagination far ahead of the crowd."
- Anon.
"Top 10 Creative Rules of Thumb:
1. The best way to get great ideas is to get lots of ideas and throw the bad ones away.
2. Create ideas that are 15 minutes ahead of their time…not light years ahead.
3. Always look for a second right answer.
4. If at first you don't succeed, take a break.
5. Write down your ideas before you forget them.
6. If everyone says you are wrong, you're one step ahead. If everyone laughs at you, you're two steps ahead.
7. The answer to your problem "pre-exists." You need to ask the right question to reveal the answer.
8. When you ask a dumb question, you get a smart answer.
9. Never solve a problem from its original perspective.
10. Visualize your problem as solved before solving it."
- Charles Chic Thompson
How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.
- Og Mandino, "“The Greatest Salesman in the World”"
You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And a dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.
Trying to learn from what's behind you and never knowing what's in store
makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.
And I will sail my vessel 'til the river runs dry.
Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky.
I'll never reach my destination if I never try,
So I will sail my vessel 'til the river runs dry.
Too many times we stand aside and let the water slip away.
To what we put off 'til tomorrow has now become today.
So don't you sit upon the shore and say you're satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tides.
- Garth Brooks, "song "The River" co-written with Victoria Shaw"
Whatever you are from nature, keep to it; never desert your own line of talent…
Be what Nature intended you for, and you will succeed; be anything else, and you will be ten thousand times worse than nothing.
- Sydney Smith, "The Way To Succeed, W M Thayer, (Page 211)", 1902
"We should, I believe, beware of the pitfalls described by Taine: ' Imagine a man who sets out on a voyage equipped with a pair of spectacles that magnify things to an extraordinary degree. A hair on his hand, a spot on the tablecloth, the shifting fold of a coat, all will attract his attention; at this rate, he will not go far, he will spend his day taking six steps and will never get out of his room .' We have to get out of this room."
- Robert Francis Kennedy
"Maturity knows no age. It is a concept that can only become a reality when one completely reliquishes their childhood tendencies and fully embraces the ideals valued by those already matured."
- Andy Mastay, "(quotation submitted to Quoteland.com)"
"Recognition is the greatest motivator."
- Gerard C. Eakedale
"No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings."
- William Blake
Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.
- Anon.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along ." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
- Anon.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer."
- Albert Camus
"A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort."
- Sydney Smith
Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody's business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy if anything can.
- Thomas Merton
The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Our conscious motivations, ideas, and beliefs are a blend of false information, biases, irrational passions, rationalizations, prejudices, in which morsels of truth swim around and give the reassurance albeit false, that the whole mixture is real and true. The thinking processes attempt to organize this whole cesspool of illusions according to the laws of plausibility. This level of consciousness is supposed to reflect reality; it is the map we use for organizing our life.
- Erich Fromm, "To Have or to Be?", 1979
"You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself."
- Harry Firestone
"We are all cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out."
- Ray Bradbury
Every lesson is a widening and deepening of consciousness. It is a stretching of the mind beyond its conceptual limits and a stretching of the heart beyond its emotional boundaries. It is a bringing of unconscious material into consciousness, a healing of past wounds, and a discovery of new faith and trust.
- Paul Ferinni
I do drugs. Hell, yeah, I love it.
This is my fourth day taking Reductil. It promises weak appetite - plus nausea, excessive perspiration and farting. It was just recommended by a friend who told me that you can see the effects in one week. Yeah, I lost my appetite and all, but I can't still see the stray hairs down there. My tummy is still gargantuan and I am beginning to lose hope. Andrei is on 15-mg. regimen while I'm on 10-mg. The intake is once a day, of course after a meal. It's his second week and his man boobs are a bit smaller now. Aside from palpitation every now and then, I still feel fat. Good thing, a friend told me that my figure is beginning to be visible again sans the watermelon-ish, frontal, monstrous kargada I have. I miss my old, sexy self.
I lost a tremendous amount of confidence because of being fat. Last year, my waistline was a 25-incher (high school: 22", college: 24"). November 2006, I told Drei of my plan to get fat. Right timing, Christmas season. I gained a lot of pounds then and I was happy about it. My measurement read 31" after two weeks of weight gaining. I was a tabachingching.
I didn't really care because I know I can shred the fearful plump in days but I forgot one important thing: my metabolism was slow due to laziness. I forgot what a gym looks like. I was good in bed - I can sleep for days (Thanks to Manong Julian's shirt). Intimacy was also a dilemma since I cannot carry my own weight. W.O.T. was a scare to me most especially if Drei would ask for it. I would just pretend to be tired because of doing nothing (I was unemployed during those days).
January. I looked like a pregnant woman for the 7th time. I didn't care about fashion and shit every time I go to work. I would borrow Drei's shirts because my blouses wouldn't fit anymore. The last time I checked the measurement? 33.5".
July. I began to feel more insecure and paranoid. A few days before our anniversary, Andrei and I had a huge fight and it was not a normal fight. I hurt him. That's when I realized that I was the problem : I slapped his face and broke his eyeglasses. Heavy.
During the last week of July, Andrei told me that he's on his second day of the Reductil suicide crap. Man, for an Ilocana like me, the drug is expensive! He said he bought it for 100++ bucks per capsule and he bought 7. I was thinking twice. But it seemed like the whole world was looking at me, waiting for me to decide: is she gonna do it or not?
Before Drei and I went to watch Ratatouille, we dropped by a drugstore. He said he will be buying 10 capsules. I was still hesitant. The line was short - here goes nothing.
"Reductil. 10 milligrams."
"Ilan po ma'am?"
"Seven. How much?"
"600+++++++ ma'am."
Then everything went black. I opened my eyes and saw a rat trying to cook. Okay, I was still able to watch the movie. God! Gaining weight does not cost that much as long as you eat anything you see. But losing weight? Man, it's damn hard.
Now, I am facing my computer and another challenge in my life: reduce my beer belly to at least 27" before August 18 (Team Building) or swim like the old Judy Ann Santos wearing long sleeves and a saya. Obviously, I chose the first.
Fitrum intake still needs exercise. For people who have the same dilemma, ask your doctor if you can use Reductil. If you want to go to the gym, do it perpetually and DON'T EAT HEAVY MEALS AFTER! Muster discipline. For people who are happy with their weight, I admire you. Just stay happy. For physically-blessed individuals, good for you, yun lang. I don't want to add a feather on your crap, errr, cap.
I still love eating, but I only eat a fourth of my usual intake. I realized that when I was in High School and College, I was very busy doing a lot of things: sports, academic works, boozescapades. I would join my guy friends on luncheons and would eat more than what they feasted. Flashbacks. I hate them.
Oh well, c'est la vie. To each his own. I can't wait to check my weight after a week or so. For the mean time, I am still Mrs. Norbit.
Pyu! My new blog is at reignloleng.wordpress.com BTW, nakabili ka ba ng boxes sa Cash & Carry?
Yep. Hehehe!
You’re I.PH?! Wow!
Hey, Lord Adam! Thanks for dropping by. Hay! Buhay Kano ngayon. Two jobs, no bath… ganon. Hehehe!
PHOEBS!!! Glad to see you on I.PH iha. Musta?
Mare, you know that I am gay. This is actually from Odeck’s blog. I just fixed some things on it. Ergo, Odeck is gay, too, mare. hahaha!
hey girl!:) nice work…if i didnt know u better i’d say a gay columnist did this..LOL! PIS mare!!
Hey! Thanks for trying to read my stupidity. Ngyahaha!
Weee!~ Weee!~
i think we really need to… next payday? wadyatink? hehehe!
we really should drink and shit. I could also finish 2 red horse grande!
thanks so much liz. as you can see, i am an idiot when it comes to things like this… hahaha! love you!
turn edit on sa upper left corner ng blog, tapos look for ‘comments’, then approve. you can set it such that you dont need to approve them anymore. ^_^ tell me how it goes.
Hey, Optimus! Thanks for dropping by!
Jo, I know that quote. Very very familiar.
What is wrong with i.ph? What’s wrong with me?
This sums up your latest blog… “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll want to have a glass of milk.”
Nice place you got here! 
